I’m so tired of being alone. Besides that, work was decent. Pretty easy and I am way less intimidated after getting the first day out of the way. Don’t know my schedule of course but sure. Today was just a nothing day but positively- I’m alive even though at times it doesn’t feel that way.
I cried like 3 times today and pretty viciously at that. But I’m okay. You know why? Because today I officially got my job. I’m making money to help my family. I realized I’m too young to worry about some dumb boy. I made a goal of going to new places to meet new people. I was lucky enough to have a drink today. And i got the best therapy offered to a human; hearing Matt Seracen’s stuttering voice on Friday Night Lights. See. Life isn’t that bad. I promise. If I focused on all the shit happening in my life, I could easily say life is the worst and I want to die. But that isnt the goal of this month now, is it?
Okay, so there were moments today where I wanted to break down and cry. It is just my classic style of living life. But I didn’t because I wanted to take this whole ‘month of optimism’ seriously. So, i thought of all the things that were going good for me today. Like, I was able to sleep in, I don’t have to study or do homework, I had really good coffee, and my face is starting to clear up from my break out. While these are small and insignificant things, they are still good. And that’s what I’m looking for right now. Hopefully, these small things will lead to far greater happier moments and things in my life. But for now, they will have to do. And I can say I feel at peace with things, or as much as I can be. I still am looking for answers and closure more than you know, but I will continue to function and be positive until I can get them.
I am surrounding myself with positive energy. I can no longer handle the stress and problems of my life, as well as everyone elses. Therefore, once a day, at least, I will post a picture or story about what was posistive for me that day. I dont think ignoring bad energy for a month is the worst thing I could do. Seriously, lets do this.
Have you ever thought people are more fragile than they portray themselves to be? Because I find it to be that the ones who are most passionate and seemingly strong and independent are the ones who seem as if they are made of glass. When two people, like so, force themselves to be with each other and keep pushing and pushing, what do you think happens? They break. They crumble under the imposed pressure from two beautiful pieces to a crumble of shards. I now have my answer.
We listened to the music and were drinking a couple of beers. We were both laughing and having a great time. He kept getting closer and closer to me and I didn’t mind. Then he kissed me. It was a great kiss. One I wanted to happen for so long that it felt unreal to actually be happening to me. Then he asked if I wanted to leave. Yes, I smiled and nodded. During the walk home I said it. It had been on my mind the entire time, especially since we walked with the girl there. I said, You have a crush on her. He said, No I never did. That wasn’t what she told me and I explained that last week she had said something different. Then he explained she came into his room drunk late one night and wouldn’t leave. He even had to get his best friend to help her get out. That was the night she was talking about. He then said He had a crush on me and that I was the only girl he had a crush on. That during the first night of school when the whole floor introduced themselves to others, that I stuck out to him. He noticed my name even and had the plan to talk about Black Swan to me when he got the chance to talk. (Which he did). He said that even when he didn’t have any more math problems to do for homework, he would do extra ones just to sit and hang out with me and my usual shit load of homework. The night we stayed up until four in the morning talking he had liked me then. He even washed a pan once for like 10 minutes just so he could talk to me. He told his best friend about it and his friend told him to say something. He said that he thought having a crush on me was just a pipe-dream though. That I was different from the other girls on our floor who only got drunk and hooked up with guys. I said he should have told me earlier because I have a crush on him. I said that’s why I couldn’t go out with his friend because I just couldn’t do that. He said that that was cool because other girls would’ve just gone for the free meal. EXACTLY what I thought at the time too. He said that when his friend asked me, his heart sunk (because he was standing right there). That when his friend told him that I said I was caught off guard and couldn’t go, he thought it might have been about him and he was happy. That he had wanted to tell me the last couple of times we hung out but didn’t because he wasn’t sure if I liked him back. I thought he liked the other girl though and didn’t make a move because he might just not like me. He said that when he told me he was leaving and I tweeted I want you to stay, he thought it was about him & tweeted the feelings mutual. I said that it was about him. But that it still didn’t matter in the end because he was leaving. He said now that he knows I like him, it changes things. I said, no because you miss your home and I respect him for that. Then we sat on the steps of the apartment building for a little more and we were both happy to finally have spoken our minds and cleared the shit that had literally tried to get in front of us. We both agreed during out talk that we had a lot going against us. Finally, he asked if I wanted to walk back and I said yes. I was sad because I thought the night was over, but he asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I said Yes pretty much instantaneously because I’m that obvious. We watched a movie and cuddled. And kissed more. Then I fell asleep and woke up while he was holding me today. And I can say I’ve never felt more happier and more torn than this moment. Because in the end he’s still leaving, and in the end, I’m still going to have feelings for this kid.And that is my story. Well, a true story; which is something I can’t believe.
I surprise myself with how much I’ve changed in such a short amount of time. I don’t believe in the things I use to and I do things now that I was sure I would’ve avoided. Life’s a funny thing because you never know what’s going to get thrown at you and who you’re going to meet. Someone so insignificant can eventually become your everything, while someone who use to be your rock suddenly disappears. I’m not making any bets on the future,but theres a certain excitement in changing some of your beliefs. It makes each day more unexpected than the next. So don’t be afraid if you start to change. Eventually you’ll realize everyone does at some point.
So not sure what I’ve done wrong, but I have this feeling I’ve insulted every person in my life this week. Sad part is, I’m not apologetic, just bitter. I guess this is growing up.
The feeling where you’ve done everything possibly wrong is making me feel destroyed. I’m just messing up and I’m lost and I don’t know what to do with myself. There’s sometimes just so much pain and hurt that I don’t understand what I did wrong. But then I feel stupid because things could literally be so much worse. All I want is to live my life everyday to the fullest and have fun and laugh and find someone who loves me just for being me. Which is awkward & crazy & irrational but that’s just who I am. As long as the sky is blue, well that’s just who I’ll always be. I hate not doing anything or being with people because I feel I’m wasting my life. But what if it’s all just shit and I never find true happiness. I’m just trying to find myself and be happy, but the fucking world keeps messing with me and I literally have no idea what’s right or what’s wrong anymore.
But fuck it. I have got to get a grip on my life before it passes me up. Forget waiting for the moment. You just have got to make the moment happen. I swear to everything these next couple of weeks I’m doing it. I’m going to start being more honest and real and less worried about every little thing. All I want in this life is so simple but so complicated. Fuck money, I don’t give a shit what my career is. If I have someone I can share everything with, well then we’re going to be each other’s happiness. Obviously, that’s not everyone’s point of view so I don’t care if that seems ridiculous I’m saying it’s going to happen and I have no doubt about that at the end of the night. Make something happen this month though. Don’t let it pass you by. I personally don’t want to wake up tomorrow and be a hundred. I want to do every little thing still…there’s just so much.
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