Probably. Almost definitely actually.
I try to be okay with it all. With the idea that people I care about can leave so easily from my life. How they can walk away, without a word, or even a second thought. I try to control my emotions and not getting too attached, but it fails every time and fails even harder for the people who turn out to be the worst for me. I make mistakes, granted. But I admit to them. I know and am self-aware of my faults. I even apologize like a damn fool for them half the time. Yet, people don’t stick around for the bad. They don’t stick around to be there for you when it get’s tough. There’s always an excuse and I am always there to forgive. It’s just getting harder and more complicated to keep forgiving. But it just doesn’t change the fact that I’m ready to let go.
You are a stupid piece of shit. Let go, stop waiting on him. Stop wanting him. It’s ridiculous what you let go to be with him, but he did not give up anything for you. You misguided me. The second I trusted you I ended up alone and terrified of what was happening. You lied to me. You promised everything would be okay if I followed you and you tricked me. Never again.
…that I can’t change someone. That they might have made up their mind about me before I can ever change it. I might not be able to ever change it. No matter how many times I reach out, no matter how many times I try. SO, I have to do what I’ve been avoiding for months now. I have to let go and forget waiting for an explanation. An explanation would help with moving on, but it wouldn’t change the end result. I have to be on my own and figure this out without any help from others. If I survive it, I know I can handle whatever this year has in store for me. And that really gives me hope.
You don’t know it but you have my heart. You own every ounce of it and because you don’t know this; you’re destroying my heart. You’re hurting me more awfully than ever before. And you see, I can’t get mad. Not even annoyed with you, since you are unaware to having this ownership over my heart. But I hope every day and especially every night that one day you’ll wake up and realize this. Because not only are you special, but you’re special to me so much that I can’t move on no matter how hard I try. Just don’t hide because one day the tides may change and maybe my feelings will too. As of now, that seems like a distant possibility though.
I’m so tired of being alone. Besides that, work was decent. Pretty easy and I am way less intimidated after getting the first day out of the way. Don’t know my schedule of course but sure. Today was just a nothing day but positively- I’m alive even though at times it doesn’t feel that way.
I cried like 3 times today and pretty viciously at that. But I’m okay. You know why? Because today I officially got my job. I’m making money to help my family. I realized I’m too young to worry about some dumb boy. I made a goal of going to new places to meet new people. I was lucky enough to have a drink today. And i got the best therapy offered to a human; hearing Matt Seracen’s stuttering voice on Friday Night Lights. See. Life isn’t that bad. I promise. If I focused on all the shit happening in my life, I could easily say life is the worst and I want to die. But that isnt the goal of this month now, is it?
Okay, so there were moments today where I wanted to break down and cry. It is just my classic style of living life. But I didn’t because I wanted to take this whole ‘month of optimism’ seriously. So, i thought of all the things that were going good for me today. Like, I was able to sleep in, I don’t have to study or do homework, I had really good coffee, and my face is starting to clear up from my break out. While these are small and insignificant things, they are still good. And that’s what I’m looking for right now. Hopefully, these small things will lead to far greater happier moments and things in my life. But for now, they will have to do. And I can say I feel at peace with things, or as much as I can be. I still am looking for answers and closure more than you know, but I will continue to function and be positive until I can get them.
I am surrounding myself with positive energy. I can no longer handle the stress and problems of my life, as well as everyone elses. Therefore, once a day, at least, I will post a picture or story about what was posistive for me that day. I dont think ignoring bad energy for a month is the worst thing I could do. Seriously, lets do this.
Have you ever thought people are more fragile than they portray themselves to be? Because I find it to be that the ones who are most passionate and seemingly strong and independent are the ones who seem as if they are made of glass. When two people, like so, force themselves to be with each other and keep pushing and pushing, what do you think happens? They break. They crumble under the imposed pressure from two beautiful pieces to a crumble of shards. I now have my answer.
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